Be sure to read the sample essay before reading the critique.
To understand the strength of the essay, we must first look at the prompt: the admissions officers at Oberlin want you to "explain why Oberlin College will help you grow." This sounds straight forward, but be careful. You're not being asked to explain how college will help you grow, but how Oberlin will help you grow. The essay needs to include specific information about Oberlin College.
The sample essay certainly succeeds on this front. Let's look at why.
The first paragraph makes several important points. First of all, we learn that the applicant has visited Oberlin. This may not seem like a big deal, but you'd be surprised how many students apply to a large number of colleges based on nothing but the schools' reputations. Also, the student notes that she wants to go to a liberal arts college, not a larger university. This information isn't really specific to Oberlin, but it does show that she has thought about the options available to her. The final point in this first paragraph gets more specific -- the applicant is familiar with Oberlin and knows the school's socially progressive history.
The second paragraph is really the heart of this essay -- the applicant wants to major in Environmental Studies, and she is clearly impressed with the program at Oberlin. She has visited the Environmental Studies building, and she knows of some of the unique opportunities offered at Oberlin. She has even talked with Oberlin students. This paragraph can't help but make a favorable impression on the admissions folks -- the applicant is drawn to Oberlin and she clearly knows exactly why she likes Oberlin.
The final paragraph adds another important dimension to the application. Not only does the student find the Environmental Studies program attractive, but her love of music makes Oberlin an even better match. Oberlin has a top-rated music program, so the applicant's dual love of music and Environmental Studies makes Oberlin a natural match for her.
Admissions officers can't help but feel that Oberlin is a great match for this applicant. She knows the school well, and her interests and goals line up perfectly with Oberlin's strengths. This short essay will certainly be a positive piece of her application.
